TOP 98 JACK BAUER FACTS

TOP 98 JACK BAUER FACTS

1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

2. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

3. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

4. Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

5. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

8. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

9. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

10. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's
fucking beef.

11. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

12. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

13. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

14. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

15. When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

16. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

17. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

18. Osama bin Laden's proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still
alive.

19. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

20. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

21. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

22. Jack Bauer's vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU.

23. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

24. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

25. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

26. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

27. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

28. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because
it sounds like violent.

29. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

30. Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

31. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

32. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

33. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

34. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

35. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

36. Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

37. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

38. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

39. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

40. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

41. In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

42. Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

43. When Jack Bauer is looking for a good laugh, he watches Chuck Norris work out on his Total Gym.

44. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

45. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

46. If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.

47. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

48. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

49. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."

50. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

51. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

52. During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

53. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

54. Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

55. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

56. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

57. One time The Rock raised his eyebrow to Jack Bauer. This is why he is no longer able to wrestle.

58. The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.

59. The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

60. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

61. Jack Bauer thought the movie "Mission: Impossible" was completely unrealistic. No mission isimpossible.

62. Chase Edmunds waited until he was sure Jack Bauer was dead before he dumped Kim.

63. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

64. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

65. When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

66. Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.

67. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

68. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

69. Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.

70. Jack Bauer tells Bob Barker when the price is right.

71. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

72. Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

73. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

74. After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay.

75. Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because He's a pussy.

76. Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.

77. If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

78. In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane ravaged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

79. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

80. When asked the significance of the number 24, Jack Bauer just points to his crotch and nods.

81. G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.

82. If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

83. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

84. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

85. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

86. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

87. My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.

88. If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

89. Jack Bauer shoots first and...well that's it. He shoots first. Jack Bauer doesn't need to ask questions.

90. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.

91. Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

92. Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Jack Bauer. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Jack Bauer was God.

93. Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

94. Strippers tip Jack Bauer.

95. The bumper sticker on Jesus's car reads, "WWJBD?"

96. It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

97. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

98. All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.